


While you were sleeping

by Chessala



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Acceptance, Brain death, Coma, Comfort, Denial, Funeral, Grief, M/M, Post-Canon, Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-23 18:03:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11407665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chessala/pseuds/Chessala
Summary: “I’m looking to start the rest of my life with the person I love. What could possibly go wrong?”Yuuri pulls a face. “You just jinxed us”  he says with a frown. “Whenever someone says ‘what could go wrong’ something always does, Vitya.”Viktor shakes his head and smiles. “Whatever goes wrong, we’ll see it through. As long as I can be with you, I’m sure it’ll be just fine.”*****************************In which Yuuri falls into a Coma after saving Viktor's life and Viktor is having a hard time dealing with it.





	While you were sleeping

**Author's Note:**

> So here we go! I have been working on this for a while after I got inspired by [this comic](http://-fe.tumblr.com/post/159834280354/no-drinking-in-hospital-stay-strong)  
> Text in ~~~ refers to dreams/memories
> 
>  
> 
> **Not Beta-ed**
> 
>  
> 
> Please enjoy!

The room feels so small, too small. From the window, bright sunshine streams into every corner but despite the light, the room feels cold, filled with hopelessness and fear. It really shouldn’t feel like this, not now, not ever. It’s a place where people are supposed to get better, a place filled with hope, a place where new life sees the light of day. None of these feelings are tangible in this room, though.

Once upon a time, it must have been filled with laughter and tears of joy when a beloved person opened their eyes. Relief would have been painted on people’s faces when they were finally able to wrap their arms around the person they thought lost.

Now, the only sound echoing off the white walls comes from the machines crowded around a single bed placed in the center of the room. A multitude of wires and pipes connect to the bed from the same machines, causing a rhythmic beeping to fill the air. It’s a relieving sound, strong and steady. It sounds of life and hope, of happiness and days filled with laughter that seem to be so far away now.

And really, all that the sound does to Viktor is dig into his ears. It’s mocking him with the promise of a future that has been crushed right in front of his eyes. He can still feel the push and hear the low thump paired with the screeching of breaks and metal. And before that, his own name, screamed at him with a desperate voice. The impact that followed had made his body jerk forward and then the thump and the screeching, over and over again.

Viktor lowers his head into his hands, trying to shield himself from the memories and the reality in this very room. The raven-haired man occupying the room’s only bed hasn’t moved ever since the accident a week ago, hasn’t spoken, hasn’t eaten. Pressing his hands against his temples, Viktor wills the images flooding his mind to go away.

~~~~~~~~~

As if by a miracle, there is no blood anywhere and for a moment Viktor thinks it’s ok, nothing bad has happened. But then he reaches his fiancé and pulls him into his arms while calling his name. One minute passes, then two, then three and Viktor stops counting. People around him are frantic but all that matters is the man in his arms. He calls his name again, begs him to open his eyes, to say Viktor’s name. Then the paramedics arrive and pull Viktor aside.

He barely registers the questions they ask him in hesitant English to make sure he hasn’t been injured past the scratches he received from falling to the floor. His eyes are on Yuuri. Yuuri Yuuri Yuuri. He hears bits and pieces of the paramedics talking to his fiancé and between each other while one of them takes notes. It’s hard for Viktor to understand what they are saying, he is still learning and his brain refuses to process the words.

One of them says something and a moment later they hold a device to pump air into Yuuri’s lungs, making his chest rise and fall way too mechanically. More notes are taken, more words spoken that Viktor can only hope to understand. Their voices are firm but calm, so calm, too calm.

Viktor wants to scream at them, wants to ask them if they are here to help or for small talk. Their movements feel too slow, too unphased. A part of him knows that paramedics need to stay calm to make the right decisions but that part is buried below the fear and panic overwhelming him. How can they possibly be calm when his Yuuri, his fiancé, the man that showed Viktor what it means to love and be alive, is lying motionless on the floor.

“Yuuri….” he whispers, his voice hardly audible. He repeats the name over and over again, a bit more desperate every time. Surely Yuuri can hear him despite the low volume and the commotion around him. So why isn’t he sitting up, looking adorably confused and making Viktor get flooded with relief? Why isn’t he responding to the same questions Viktor has been unable to focus on just moments ago to ensure the paramedics that, yes, he is fine? That no, he is not dizzy and has no headache. Why isn’t he looking around, his brown eyes looking for Viktor’s blue ones? Why isn’t the tension draining from Yuuri’s body when their eyes finally lock and Viktor shows him with a reassuring smile that he is fine?

Why isn’t this just a bad dream?

He barely notices when he screams, screams so loud that he can feel the taste of copper coming from his throat.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“Mr. Nikiforov?”

The sound of his name startles Viktor out of the vicious cycle of thoughts he has been trapped in. He looks up to see the by now familiar face of the neurologist in front of him. Viktor can’t remember the name, he can’t remember a lot of things these days. It doesn’t matter, nothing really does.

“Hello….” is all he manages to say in a voice that doesn’t sound like his own.

The neurologist smiles at him before turning to the bed and looking at her patient. Viktor knows she would usually do this in Japanese but she starts speaking in English, for Viktor’s benefit.

“Good morning Yuuri-kun, how are you feeling today? She says with an accent much stronger than Yuuri’s has been. _‘Is_ ’ Viktor reminds himself. Yuuri isn’t dead, he will hear his fiancé say Viktor’s name again with the adorable extension at the end that sounds like a _u_ has been added. Soon, very soon.

He repeats the thought in his mind like a mantra as the room is completely silent for a moment safe the sound of the machinery. It’s all he can keep doing while the doctor repeats the daily tests that she has been performing for a week now. The results never change, they haven’t since the first tests right after the accident.

_No pupil reaction. No verbal response of any kind. No motoric reaction. GSC 3 = E1 V1 M1. The lowest score possible on the Modified Glasgow Coma Scale. Deep Coma._

Viktor knows all this, knows that there is barely any chance that Yuuri will ever wake up at all but he can’t bring himself to think about it. All he can keep thinking is that Yuuri is _alive._ It doesn’t matter that his chest is rising and falling with the help of a machine. He is _alive_ , which means that there is still hope, right? Viktor has to believe it, has to believe in Yuuri because he is afraid what will happen if he doesn’t.

“Unfortunately there isn’t any change in his condition.” the neurologist - whose name he still can’t remember - says in a quiet voice. Viktor can hear the sympathy in every word and for a moment he hates her for it. Hates her for not making Yuuri wake up. Hates her for not being able to change the results.

But all he says is ‘ _I know’._ He says it with the same voice he had greeted her with, the voice that is as empty as he feels. She touches his shoulder for a moment before leaving the room again. And Viktor is alone again with his thoughts and memories and with his _guilt_.

When Viktor looks towards the window again, the sun is already setting, mocking him with the announcement that yet another day has passed and that the sliver of hope Viktor is clinging to has just gotten a little bit thinner again.

********************

**Day 8**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“The first 24 hours after the incident are a crucial time.” the doctor says to Yuuri’s family.

Viktor has amassed quite the amount of Japanese vocabulary but the words don’t make any sense to him. So Mari translates for him while sobbing. But English doesn’t make any sense either. Because this can’t possibly be happening.

“He is stable right now, he only has a few minor concussions on the outside. However, his brain was severely damaged by the impact, which is why he isn’t waking up.”

Viktor hears Hiroko cry, hears the quiet sobs and hitched breathing. Next to him, Mari is clenching her fists so hard that her knuckles turn white and when he looks up, he sees Toshiya’s pale face, the always-present smile missing from his face. It is his fault, Viktor knows that. If he had payed more attention, Yuuri wouldn’t have jumped in front of the car to push him aside.

“For now, all we can do is wait and hope that his brain recovers. If his results improve within the next 24 hours, there is still a good chance that he will make a full recovery.”

Viktor looks at the doctor, a neurologist, for the first time as her words sink in. He swallows and takes a deep breath before speaking with a voice that sounds more steady than he feels.

“What happens if he doesn’t get better?”

He hears Mari hiss a low ‘don’t say that’ at him but he knows that this is what they are all afraid of. The doctor looks at him with a sad smile as she chooses her words deliberately careful.

“There are of course patients that wake up despite being in a coma for a long time. However, if his condition doesn’t improve within the next day, the chances go down to slightly more than 10%.” she says in heavily accented English.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A hand on his shoulder startles Viktor awake and for a blissful second he thinks everything that has happened over the last week is a dream. But then the hospital room comes into focus and the insistent beeping of the machines invade his ears again.

He looks up and is met with deep brown eyes that make his chest hurt. Hiroko is looking at him with a tired but soft smile. She pulls a chair closer and sits down next to him. Viktor wants to run, wants to be anywhere but here because all this is his fault.

“Have you eaten yet, Vicchan?” Hiroko asks softly, voice full of concern.

Viktor doesn’t remember when he has eaten the last time. It could have been yesterday or maybe the day before that. He isn’t hungry at all so he just shrugs as his eyes wander back to Yuuri’s motionless form. She sighs a little but when she speaks there is no impatience in her voice, only genuine worry. And somehow that makes everything so much harder.

“You need to eat Vicchan or you will get sick.” she says slowly to make sure that Viktor can follow her easily. She always does this, cares for him and pays attention to his well-being. Viktor loves Yuuri’s family, loves the way they have accepted him without question. He loves how they make him feel at home and include him in everything. He loves Yuuri’s family, which is why he can hardly stand being near them now.

Hiroko places her hand on Viktor’s shoulder again and moves so Viktor has no other choice but to look at her.

“Yuuri would be sad if you get sick.”

Viktor stares at her, mind coming to a screeching halt. Yuuri would be sad if Viktor gets sick. Yuuri would be sad. Yuuri. Yuuri. _Yuuri._

Suddenly something breaks down and all Viktor can feel is hot, burning anger. He takes a deep breathe and tries to calm down without success. He feels his hands shaking and it takes all his strength to not scream when he speaks.

“How do you know that? It’s not like he can tell us! He’s just lying there, making us guess how he would feel! Why isn’t he waking up?”

He feels the anger burn in his throat, rising like bile from his stomach. He tries to push it down but it’s too strong, makes him feel too alive in all the wrong ways. So he stops fighting it, lets his voice echo through the room.

“WHY ISN’T HE WAKING UP?! WHY ISN’T HE AWAKE AND TELLING US HE IS FINE?”

He feels the words piling, every syllable strangling him with its weight. Viktor jumps up and starts pacing the room. It suddenly is all so clear, it is all Yuuri’s fault. How could he dare to jump in front of a car just to save Viktor? How could he not have considered what would happen? Why? Why? Why? Why was he lying there without a worry in the world? It isn’t _fair_ and Viktor hates Yuuri for it. Hates himself. Hates the world.

Hot tears are threatening to blur Viktor’s vision and he hurries to wipe them away angrily. It’s all Yuuri’s fault and for a moment Viktor loses himself in that revelation. Because the truth is just too painful. Because the alternative means hating himself for causing this. It mean accepting that Yuuri is lying in a hospital bed, barely alive while all Viktor wants to do is turn back the clock.

But hating Yuuri, truly hating him, is impossible. The have had their fair share of quarrels and it has always been Viktor who went back first, looking for a warm embrace and the soft shushing sounds Yuuri would always make. He could never hate Yuuri.

The anger leaves Viktor as suddenly as it has washed over him, leaving Viktor burned out and so very tired. He can feel the spark of life that has fueled him only moments ago sizzle out and die without any attempt to stay lit. Looking at the cold tiles on the floor, Viktor drags himself back to his chair before looking up at Hiroko.

Her eyes are shining with tears that she doesn’t try to hide. Her soft sobs fill the room with something Viktor can’t put his finger on but it makes the sound of the machines seem so much louder. And just like that, Hiroko opens her arms and it takes Viktor less than a heartbeat to fall into them. He hears her heart beat faster than it should be, hears her hitched breathing interrupted by sobs and for the first time in days, Viktor allows himself to let go, allows himself to cry until his lungs burn and the sour taste of bile fills his mouth.

*******************************

**Day 9**

The room feels crowded - filled with Viktor, the Katsuki family and two doctors. Viktor recognizes the neurologist that examines Yuuri at least once a day but he isn’t familiar with the other one and he honestly isn’t sure if he wants to know. The air feels different today and all he wants is for everyone to leave him alone with Yuuri so he can keep hoping.

But instead the familiar neurologist starts talking. She talks about coma and brain damage and Viktor isn’t sure why he should care about any of this because Yuuri has only been sleeping for a few days and can wake up any second now. So he tries not to listen and keeps his full attention on Yuuri, willing him to open his eyes.

“Katsuki-san, with your permission, we would like to perform some tests to assess Yuuri-kun’s brain activity.” the neurologist says and Viktor _tries_ not to hear it, tries to ignore that she is suggesting that Yuuri could not be fine. He probably misunderstood. His Japanese isn’t that good after all and he still makes mistakes all the time.

“What kind of tests…” he hears Toshiya say and then the neurologist says something about checking if he has spontaneous respiration. She explains that, if his brain is working, it will make him breathe after a short time without oxygen.

Mari steps next to Viktor and explains everything to him again in English to make sure he understands but he doesn’t want to hear it and waves her away. There is no need for a test because Yuuri will certainly breathe. But he agrees anyway, since he doesn’t have any doubts.

So the doctors make Viktor step away from the bed to remove the tube that is connected to Yuuri’s mouth. Immediately, a soft hissing fills the room in a rhythmic interval that would usually make Yuuri’s chest rise and fall to make sure enough oxygen enters his lungs. Viktor’s eyes dart to the clock on the wall and he starts counting the seconds.

When a minute passes, he feels panic rise in him. The doctors keep monitoring something on one of the monitors and start frowning. He doesn’t understand why they won’t reconnect the tube since Yuuri is obviously still not ready to breathe on his own. He stares at the neurologist, silently imploring her to reconnect Yuuri. Are they actually trying to kill him? Why would they do that? Aren’t they supposed to help him get better?

He steps closer to the bed and stares at Yuuri as fear is threatening to flood his mind entirely. Should he start mouth-to-mouth if they kept the machine away? But Viktor has no idea how with his first aid lessons being too far behind. The doctors say something to each other in Japanese that he doesn’t understand and then, thankfully, reconnect the tube. Yuuri’s chest rises almost instantly and Viktor feels the majority of his panic evaporate except for a small nagging in the back of his mind.

He watches the doctors perform a series of more tests that don’t seem to make any sense. They put some liquid in his ear, talk to him, run a cotton swab over his eyes. Yuuri doesn’t steer, doesn’t react in any way and the nagging in Viktor’s mind gets louder. They are just tests and it really doesn’t make sense to run them while Yuuri isn’t awake, right? It’s not like an unconscious person would show a lot of reaction.

After what seems to be forever, they finally stop probing Yuuri and Viktor is allowed to go back to his chair. He gently takes Yuuri’s hand in his and presses it against his forehead. The warmth of the hand somehow helps him to breathe easier. There is no way that Yuuri’s hand would feel this alive if something is wrong with his brain, right?

“It doesn’t seem like his brain is reacting to any of our stimuli” he hears the unknown doctor say and really, what does he possibly know, he hasn’t even seen Yuuri before today. Viktor wants to tell him just that but the neurologist talks before he can say a single word.

“There is one more test that we would like to run just to make absolutely sure but we need your per-”

“NO!” Viktor interrupts as he gets up, making the chair skid over the tiles. “Didn’t you do enough tests already? Why would you do more?”

Viktor feels his hands shaking as he continues, voice raw with emotion.

“It’s just like in one of those movies. He is sleeping but...but he could wake up at any moment now! So we should just let him sleep so he can get better, right? He is just sleeping and….and he will come back so he doesn’t need those tests!”

He feels his throat tightening when he presses out the last words. It doesn’t matter if he agrees, does it? He and Yuuri aren’t married yet so the decision is not his to make and the doctors have made that very clear by addressing the Katsukis instead of Viktor. Isn’t he just in the way? He turns his head and looks at the small family standing huddled together. Viktor can hardly remember their happy smiles that he has always adored so much. The smiles that have always made him feel welcome in their house.

“We understand your hesitation Mr. Nikiforov but, unfortunately this doesn’t usually happen. A coma has many different stages and it can take years for a patient to wake up from the moment he starts to show signs of doing so. However…..” the neurologist hesitates for a moment and exchanges a few quick words with her colleague before continuing in a gentle tone of voice. “...for a patient to wake up, the brain needs to be functioning. In some cases, when the brain has taken too much damage, this is not the case. So while the machines keep the body functioning, the patient has no hope of every waking up again.”

Viktor clenches his fists, clenches them so hard that he can feel his nails breaking the soft skin of his palms. He knows what they are saying but they are wrong. Yuuri isn’t dead and Viktor will fight for that if he has to. Because Yuuri is right here and he is warm and breathing.

When he feels a gentle touch on one of his hands, Viktor looks down and sees Hiroko holding his hand. He doesn’t know why, but just that touch makes him unclench his hands and he wants to smile at her but smiling is something his muscles seem to have forgotten how to do entirely.

“We’ll wait a few days Vicchan, ok? Maybe…maybe Yuuri wakes up until then and we won’t have to worry about it anymore.”

Viktor takes a deep breath and nods. He looks at Toshiya and Mari and they both nod at him. _‘They know’_ he thinks. They know that this test can and most likely will crush their last hope of ever hearing Yuuri’s laughter again. It’s something Viktor can’t give up. He needs to believe that Yuuri will recover.

********************

**Day 10**

Viktor is relieved when the neurologist performs her daily check-up as usual without further mentioning of the test. When she leaves the room, she gives Viktor a small smile.

“You’ll be fine, Yuuri….” he mutters to himself, voice barely above a whisper. He has taken to talking to Yuuri as if he can actually hear him. It makes everything that is happening feel less real, lets him believe that Yuuri is just sleeping a little bit deeper than usual.

“When you’re better, we’ll make a trip, maybe visit Detroit. You miss it, don’t you?” he chuckles a little. “Of course you do, you’ve been living there for five years after all. Or we could visit Phichit in Thailand.”

The only reply he gets is the soft _beep_ from the heart monitor. He imagines that it’s Yuuri’s voice, that this is Yuuri’s answer to the ridiculous one-sided conversation he is having. Because the absence of an answer is something Viktor doesn’t want to think about.

“Oh, Phichit and Yura will be here soon too. I think they’ll be mad with me, though, I didn’t tell them you are not feeling well….”

Yuri will be furious. He always makes a show out of how annoying Viktor and Yuuri are but Viktor has seen him smiling when he thinks no one is watching. Phichit will be upset too he knows but when they see that Yuuri is fine, they will forgive him and they can all move forward.

And Chris? Chris will scold him, of course. But everything will be fine so the matter is soon forgotten.

Because Yuuri will be awake and laughing and talking and say _‘yes, I do’_.

********************

**Day 11**

Somehow, he feels restless. When Hiroko and Mari visit, everything seems as usual but then the doctor pulls them aside, out of the room, and Viktor feels a cold shiver run down his spine. He knows what they are talking about and his mind screams to stop them.

He feels the same nagging sensation that has been with him since the examination only two days ago. That little voice that tells him that he is only delaying the inevitable and making it so much worse for everyone else. He gets up and starts pacing the room, blood pounding in his ears as he tries to shut out the voice. When he stops, his eyes wander to Yuuri like they have been so many times before.

“What should I do…” he whispers softly as the answer seems so clear and yet so impossible to comprehend. And this time, Viktor is aware that there will be no answer.

********************

**Day 12**

No change. Again.

Viktor doesn’t even look up as the neurologist leaves the room. She has been trying to talk to him, he knows, but he hasn’t been able to answer her. He knows that the hope he is clinging to is slowly but surely turning into despair. Is turning into something ugly and selfish that will hurt everyone that loves Yuuri, including himself.

Admitting it hurts, though. It’s a pain unlike any Viktor has ever felt before. So when Mari enters the room, he doesn’t dare to look at her. He knows all their footsteps by heart now. Knows that Hiroko has small but fast steps that make her walking feel as if she is afraid she could be left behind. He knows that Toshiya has the smallest limp from the time when a crate of beer fell on his foot. It can’t really be noticed and it doesn’t influence him but Viktor knows it’s there because he can hear it in his steps. And he knows that Mari always drags her feet a little when she enters the room, just like she is doing now.

She sits down next to him in silence and the faint smell of tobacco slowly starts to fill the air in the immediate vicinity. She smokes a kind of vanilla scented brand so it doesn’t actually smell so bad and Viktor doesn’t mind. He remembers Yuuri complaining about it before and finally turns to her.

“He really thinks you should stop smoking…” Viktor says, making sure to use present tense. It’s what Yuuri _wants_ not wanted.

“I know.” is all she says for a moment. “He always does that, worry about others instead of himself. That’s why we have to take care of him so he doesn’t get lost.”

Viktor flinches at her words. He had promised her to take care of him and yet all he has done is ruin it all.

“I’m sorry….”

Mari looks at him in silence. When she speaks, her voice is soft and laced with emotions. It’s unusual, she usually hides them so well.

“Viktor, this isn’t your fault. We all know Yuuri did what he had to - because he loves you.” She stops for a moment to think about how to continue. “He wouldn’t be happy if anything bad had happened to you and he would have done nothing to avoid it. And all of us know you would have done the same for him.”

Viktor swallows dryly and nods. Yes, he would have done the same but it would be different. Because it wouldn’t be Yuuri on the bed, it shouldn’t be. But it is.

***********************

**Day 13**

Viktor hardly notices the door being slammed open despite the loud _bang_ it makes when the handle hits the wall behind it. Somehow, this hospital seems terribly noisy, doesn’t anyone tell visitors that the patients needs peace and quiet to recover?

“Why didn’t you fucking _tell_ anyone?” Yuri Plisetsky demands to know. Viktor slowly lifts his head and looks at him, pulling a face in an attempt to smile.

“I couldn’t leave his side, Yura…what if he wakes up while I’m gone?” he answers before turning his attention back to the bed, to Yuuri.

He hears a chair being pulled up and when he looks to his left, Yuri’s green eyes glare at him. The teenager has crossed his arms in front of his chest and looks at Viktor as if what he is seeing is the most pathetic sight in the world. And maybe it is but Viktor doesn’t care.

“You look like shit. When was the last time you slept in a bed, old man?” Yuri snaps, his voice carrying a soft growl.

Viktor blinks and tries to remember. He hasn’t felt the urge to sleep though sometimes his body betrays him and he wakes up from one of the nightmares that haunt him when he closes his eyes. Viktor doesn’t want to sleep. Sleeping means seeing the accident over and over again. And every time, in his dreams, Yuuri is fine. He opens his eyes when Viktor holds him in the street and then he wakes up. And it makes everything worse because Yuuri hasn’t woken up yet.

At the lack of an answer, Yuri hisses and leans forward. His eyes are narrowed to slits, full of anger and something else that Viktor can’t really put his finger on..

“Viktor, what the fuck are you doing? You should be fucking embarrassed to show yourself to him like this!”

Yuri’s voice isn’t loud but it rings in Viktor’s ears as if he had just screamed at the top of his lungs. He can feel the anger and desperation the teenager emits and he slowly lowers his head and presses it against the back of Yuuri’s hand.

“It’s all my fault, Yura. If he hadn’t met me…he would be alright now, wouldn’t he? He wouldn’t be lying here now.” Viktor says softly, not caring about the tears that land on the floor with a small dripping sound.

He can hear Yuri sigh and it’s as if all the energy suddenly leaves him. Hospitals do that to people, don’t they? They just take away people’s will to live while they should be helping them to get better.

“Do you really think that little of him?” Yuri asks suddenly, his voice more quiet than before. Viktor’s head snaps up and he looks at Yuri, a frown edging itself into his forehead.

“What are you talking about, you know how much I….” Viktor starts but the words die in his throat at _love._

Yuri’s clench into fists but his face softens a bit at Viktor’s words.

“Then stop looking down on _his_ _feelings for you_ and start thinking.”

Viktor opens his mouth to speak and closes it again without making a single sound. He tries again but the result is the same. He knows what Yuri is trying to say but he doesn’t want to think about it. He knows Yuri is right. He wants to tell him to stop, to not say what he is about to say. Because if he does, Viktor won’t be able to ignore it anymore.

“If things had been the other way around, wouldn’t you have done the same?” Yuri says despite Viktor silently screaming at him not to. Because it has to be said.

“So don’t look down on him by blaming yourself. He wouldn’t want you to be miserable after saving your life, don’t you think?” Yuri finishes before pulling Viktor into a hug, so similar to the one Viktor had given him in Barcelona.

********************

**Day 15**

Phichit enters the room so quietly that Viktor only notices him when he hears the Thai Skater take a deep breath next to him. He half-turns and notices the other man’s shaking hands. His expression is unreadable for Viktor but he can imagine what is running through his head when he sees his best friend like this. After a few moments, Phichit turns to Viktor and smiles softly.

“Why don’t we go for a walk?” he asks, pointing to the door with his head.

Viktor blinks and then looks at Yuuri. He is about to decline when the door opens and Hiroko enters. She smiles at Phichit and they exchange greetings.

“I hope you don’t mind if I steal Viktor for a while?” Phichit asks Hiroko, who nods and smiles right back.

“Of course not, Vicchan could need some air, he has been sitting in this room ever since that day…” she answers in accented English. Viktor can hear the little jump in her voice, hears the shaking that she is trying to hide the same way Yuuri always has. “I’ll take care of Yuuri while the two of you catch up.”

Viktor wants to protest but finds himself being pushed out of the room before he can do so. Somewhere along the way he has forgotten how much of a force of nature Phichit is. Of course Yuuri has told him about his best friend’s quirks but Viktor hasn’t been on the receiving side of them as much as Yuuri has. So he follows Phichit quietly, perfectly aware that any protest would be useless. He flinches when the hospital’s sliding doors open and he steps outside for the first time in what feels like months.

When he hears the doors closing, Viktor turns around, suddenly aware how much space is between him and Yuuri in his hospital bed, surrounded by machines. He feels his breathing speed up and has to force it to be somewhat even. What if something happens to Yuuri while he is gone? What if Yuuri wakes up? Viktor wants to go back but when he turns around again, the hospital is even further away from them.

“Maybe we should-” Viktor starts, just to be interrupted by Phichit almost immediately.

“I remember the first time Yuuri got sick after we’d become roommates in Detroit.” Phichit says in a quiet voice. “You know how he is with stress but this was the first time I had seen him actually get sick from it.”

They sit down on one of the benches nearby and Phichit looks at Viktor with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.

“I thought he would just sleep in, he isn’t the best with mornings.” Phichit continues, a touch of melancholy in his voice. Viktor nods but doesn’t say anything and Phichit continues.

“I knocked on his door and told him to get his ass out of bed or Ciao-Ciao would eat him for breakfast. All I got as a reply was that he would get up in five minutes and that I should go ahead, so I did.” Phichit’s voice gets lower and lower as he goes on, melancholy turning into something that else.

“But you know, he never came to the rink that day.” Phichit continues. “So I left early as well and when I came home, he was huddled on the couch with a high fever. He didn’t even recognize me at first. But when he did, he tried to sit up and told me to go back to training. He said he is fine, he just felt a little dizzy.”

Phichit clenches his fists and for the first time, Viktor sees tears run down his cheeks, landing on his hands.

“He didn’t want me to worry and just focus on my training. He said he didn’t want to be in my way just because he is weak.” Phichit manages a small laugh at this and turns to Viktor. “It’s funny how he thinks that when he cares more about other than himself, don’t you think?.”

Viktor swallows and looks down, suddenly unable to face the expression he sees in Phichit’s face. Of course Viktor knows this, has seen how Yuuri would abandon whatever he is doing to help someone he cares about.

“Did you know I was jealous sometimes because he cared for you so much? And you were only a poster on his wall then.”

The words make Viktor snap up his head again. He knows Yuuri and Phichit are close, has seen the way they interact with each other. He also knows that Yuuri has admired him since he was only twelve years old. He would have never told Viktor himself but Mari and Hiroko seem to enjoy telling Vikor small stories about Yuuri’s childhood admiration.

“You have been close to him for so long….” is all Viktor manages to say.

“I have.” Phichit agrees with a sad smile. “But you are special to him. I think he has loved you for a lot longer than he knows himself. So when you came into his life after what had happened in Sochi, I wanted to tell you not to hurt him. I wanted to tell you to watch what you do because if you hurt him, I would find you no matter where you are hiding….”

Phichit takes a deep breath before continuing, his voice shaking slightly.

“But when I saw you today, the way you are holding on to him, I knew you would never hurt him on purpose. And I knew that he would have never forgiven himself if you had gotten hurt that day either. So you need to forgive yourself too, Viktor.”

“How can I?” Viktor mumbles, more to himself than to anyone else. His vision starts blurring and Viktor hurries to roughly brush the tears away before they have the chance to fall and spill his feelings for everyone to see. He feels the urge to go back to the room again, to Yuuri. Because it’s safe and he can forget that time is still running out rapidly. Can forget that Yuuri isn’t actually sleeping.

“You have to.” The words are so low that Viktor thinks for a moment he imagined them. But then they are back to haunt him as Phichit repeats what he has said. “You have to. For him.”

The small sob coming from a usually so cheerful person makes Viktor look up again. Tears are running down Phichit’s face, unhindered in their flow. So unlike Viktor’s own. They make their way down the his dark skin and leave ugly trails. Yet he doesn’t try to stop them and instead smiles at Viktor, smiles in a way makes Viktor grab his own chest in desperation.

“Don’t let him be a burden to your life now, Viktor. Don’t let him be the one thing he was always afraid of. Don’t let him be what he never wanted to be for you - a hindrance.”

A dry sob rises in Viktor’s throat before he can stop it. How could Yuuri ever be a hindrance? It has only been because of Yuuri that Viktor has found life worth living again. And yet he can’t deny Phichit’s words. Can’t deny that this is exactly what Yuuri would feel he is if he could see Viktor like this.

They sit in silence after that, the only sounds coming from Phichit’s small sobs. He should have told him earlier. But Viktor has been too caught up in his own head to consider the other people around him, to consider that he isn’t the only one hurting because of what happened. How could he have forgotten all the people Yuuri holds so dear? Would Yuuri forgive him for getting lost in his own pain? Viktor knows the answer to that question just too well and it makes it hurt even more.

“Let’s go back.” Phichit sniffles and Viktor nods in mute agreement. Everything has been said and there is really only one thing left for Viktor to do.

Back in the room, long after Phichit and Hiroko have left, Viktor gently presses his lips to Yuuri’s forehead and makes a silent prayer, not caring which god he reaches as long as they hear him.

*************

**Day 16**

“He would want us to run the test.” The words leave a bad aftertaste in Viktor’s mouth but he says them anyway. Because he has to. Because there really is no way Viktor can hide from reality any longer without hurting the people he loves, that Yuuri loves, even more.

Hiroko looks at him and Viktor can see some of the tension leave her. He knows she has been trying to breach the subject ever since she has entered the room. How could he have been so blind? Another test won’t be a problem, that’s what Viktor makes himself believe anyway..

Hiroko gives him a small smile and squeezes his hands like she has done so many times before. It feels warm and reassuring, it reminds Viktor of the warmth he feels near Yuuri. He is so much like his mother - the same eyes, the same smile, the same gestures.

“Thank you, Vicchan.” she says, her voice low as she pulls Viktor into a tight hug. Viktor knows that hugs are not a common occurrence in Yuuri’s family so he makes sure to hold Hiroko’s small and soft body tightly for a few moments before she lets go, looking slightly embarrassed.

~~~~~~

“Do you think we will have enough time?” Yuuri asks as they wait for their turn to board the plane to Japan. It’s obviously still way too early for him and his eyes are adorably small behind his glasses. Despite his best efforts, Yuuri hasn’t managed to make his bedhead disappear either, though it doesn’t look much different from his usual mussed hair.

Viktor smiles fondly at his fiancé and gives a reassuring hum. Everything is planned and all that is left for them to do is visit the church to confirm it’s what they want. It’s the same church Yuuri’s parents have married in so many years ago and Viktor knows exactly how much it means to Yuuri that he has agreed to have their ceremony there as well. Not that Viktor would ever have wanted to get married anywhere else after Yuuri had accidently let that piece of knowledge slip.

“It will be fine, love. Everything is prepared so all we have to do is relax.” Viktor says while reaching out and pulling Yuuri against his chest. Their height difference is just enough to make Yuuri comfortably slot against him while his hair tickles Viktor’s face just a little bit. A teasing smile appears on Viktor’s face as he speaks again. “Could it be that you are afraid?”

Yuuri flinches a little and leans his head back so he can look at Viktor with big eyes and a small blush tinting his cheeks pink. “No?”

Viktor chuckles and leans down, pressing his lips against Yuuri’s. One of his hands finds its way to the small of Yuuri’s back as he pulls him closer. The kiss only lasts a few seconds but it’s enough to make Viktor feel the familiar warmth he has only learned about after meeting Yuuri.

“I’m not.” Viktor says with confidence. “I’m looking to start the rest of my life with the person I love. What could possibly go wrong?”

Yuuri pulls a face. “You just jinxed us”  he says with a frown. “Whenever someone says ‘what could go wrong’ something **always** does, Vitya.”

Viktor shakes his head and smiles. “Whatever goes wrong, we’ll see it through. As long as I can be with you, I’m sure it’ll be just fine.”

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

Viktor isn’t afraid of injections. Even as a child he has watched the needle break the skin with almost morbid fascination. It usually didn’t hurt and even if it did, the pain only lasted a second and then disappeared again. He has never been afraid of injections. Until now.

The needle seems unnecessary big and the liquid inside the container is no medicine. Despite that, it will make the difference between life and death. It’s the first time that Viktor shakes when he watches the two doctors prepare to inject the liquid.

They have explained the process after the neurologist had been informed that they were ready. Viktor knows that the liquid they will inject is mildly radioactive and will allow them to measure the blood flow to Yuuri’s brain. He knows it won’t hurt Yuuri and yet Viktor wants nothing more than for them to stop. But he won’t, he can’t, not anymore.

Yuuri’s family - Hiroko, Toshiya and Mari - are huddled together next to Yuuri’s bed, looking as scared as Viktor feels. He wants to say something but he can’t, there is nothing left he could say. Instead he presses his teeth against each other to keep himself from grinding them. The pressure grounds him, keeps his thoughts in the room, with Yuuri.

Viktor watches the neurologist get close to Yuuri and lower the needle to his arm. There is no sound when it breaks through his pale skin and yet the moment is deafening to Viktor. As the container empties, he feels himself shaking and sits down in one of the chairs. The steady rhythm of the machines threatens to drown Viktor as the reality of the situation settles in for good. They are killing Yuuri. They are trying to proof that he isn’t alive anymore.

He buries his face in his hands and barely manages to suppress a scream but not the tears that silently fall to the floor. Again. He knows they have to wait at least 20 minutes while the doctors measure the blood flow, wanting to make absolutely sure. But how much time has passed Viktor doesn’t know. Every minute seems to last forever and yet not long enough.

He starts counting the regular beeping sound of the heart monitor, trying to find out how much more time he has left. The beeping goes on, uninterrupted, regular, undisturbed by what is going on.

 _Until it speeds up, turning into a rapid fire of ear-assaulting sounds. Viktor hears as the doctors shout something in Japanese and his head shoots up. The bed Yuuri is lying in is moving. No, Yuuri is moving!_ **_Yuuri is moving!_ **

_Viktor doesn’t know how he gets to the bed but he is next to it instantly, looking at Yuuri, who’s eyes are wide open and full of panic. Viktor finds himself being pushed aside by a nurse while the doctors busy themselves with removing the pipe in Yuuri’s throat that has filled his lungs with oxygen only moments ago but is now causing him to panic._

_They speak to Yuuri in Japanese, try to soothe him but Yuuri keeps looking around, seems to be looking for something and Viktor feels the air leave his lungs when their eyes meet. Yuuri stops thrashing, stops so abruptly that the nurse that has been trying to hold him almost loses her balance and falls on top of him. His eyes get impossibly wide and he mouths Viktor’s name, unable to speak due to the strain on his throat. Slowly but surely his frame relaxes and tears gather in his eyes. Viktor hears a strangled sob from Yuuri and his worlds spins. His head feels so light._

_“It’s a miracle….” he hears one of the doctor’s say in broken English as he looks back and forth between Viktor and Yuuri. “There was no reaction, he should have been dead!”_

_Viktor takes one shaky step towards the bed, trying to slow his breathing as his eyes stay locked with Yuuri’s._

_“You’re awake….” Viktor mumbles more to himself than Yuuri. He takes another step and stops. He smiles at Yuuri. His Yuuri, who is awake and smiling at him. Viktor feels his world spinning again and closes his eyes, let’s what he just saw settle in. A small smile plays around the corner of his lips and his ears are full of white noise as he takes a deep breath._

The white noise starts to fade out as Viktor listens to his own heartbeat. He starts hearing people talk in Japanese again, hears Hiroko sob. He wonders how much time has passed as he slowly opens his eyes and looks at the bed in front of him. He sees the neurologist look at the clock and the white noise is back, flooding his ears. The last thing he hears before his world turns dark is a quiet voice declaring Yuuri’s time of death.

*****************

**1 Week later**

His hands are shaking as he looks at the rows full of people in front of him. They have invited so many people for their special day and even though Viktor knows that some of them originally didn’t have the time, they have all come, filling the small church to the brim. The pewter rows are adorned with all the flowers they have spent so long to pick. A fond smile plays around Viktor’s lips when he remembers the quarrels with his fiancé. Yuuri hadn’t wanted anything extravagant and yet Viktor had insisted to at least get blue roses. Yuuri had given in, of course, so bright arrangements smiled as Viktor from every corner now and dare him to celebrate what should be the happiest day of his life.

From the front row, the faces of their families are looking at him: Hiroko, Toshiya, Mari, Yakov, Minako and Yuri. While not all of them are related to them by blood, they all are family and Viktor wouldn't want it any other way.

Right behind them, their closest friends are huddled together and look at him: Phichit, Chris, Celestino, Otabek, Yuuko and Takeshi Nishigori together with their triplets, Mila and Georgi. While they all have meddled at one point or another, they owe each of them and seeing them all in one spot makes Viktor’s chest clench with gratitude.

On their invitations, they had specified that they want everyone to wear bright colours. Today is a new beginning, the beginning of something beautiful that shouldn’t be overshadowed with darkness. And they had listened. Everyone’s clothes shine together with the flowers, creating a cacophony of joy. And Viktor loves them for it because this is what he and Yuuri had wanted. A celebration of their love with the people they care most for.

So it is with a heavy heart and a smile on his face when Viktor takes a deep breath and starts talking.

“We have gathered here today to witness the union of two people in love.”

Despite his best efforts, Viktor feels his knees weakening when a sob breaks the eery silence spreading within the stone walls of the church. He looks around and sees Yuuko bury her face in the light-blue fabric of her husband’s suit jacket, shoulders shaking violently. And he wants to cry as well, already feels the now-familiar burn in his eyes. But instead he starts talking again because it’s what he has to do. For himself, for Yuuri, and for the people in the room.

“When I met Yuuri, drunk and dancing, I had no idea I would be on my way to Japan just a few months later. I had lost my way then, had felt chained down by the one thing that had given me so much joy before. So when he asked me to be his coach, something he didn’t even remember as I had to find out a year later, I could feel a new door being opened.”

~~~~~~~

“Be my coach, Viktor!”

-

“I was all alone during the banquet, I couldn’t even talk to Viktor.”

-

“Yuuri, you don’t remember?!”

-

“You got drunk on champagne and started a dance off with Yurio. I still have pictures of it.”

-

“Hey, what’s with the rings you two?”

_~~~~~~~_

The memories keep dancing in his mind but instead of trying to escape, Viktor embraces them as he continues.

“But even while I sat in the plane with Yakov’s warning still in my head, I had no idea that this meeting would lead me to being the happiest man alive.

Yuuri was a force of nature, even though he would never believe it if he was told so. He was no storm, he didn’t crash the doors and entered your life like a hurricane. Instead, his gentle pushes made you open the door himself and made you want him to enter your life. And once he was in it, imagining a space without him there became impossible.”

~~~~~~~

“I just want you to be yourself!”

-

“You don’t have to be anything, just stay by my side and don’t let me go!”

-

“Tell me something for good luck.”

-

“After the Grand Prix Finale, let’s end this….”

~~~~~~~

Viktor opens his mouth but no words come out. It is hard, so hard, to talk about what Yuuri meant to him, what he still means to him. The words he want to stay don’t want to come out and threaten to choke him instead. This isn’t what he had imagined when he and Yuuri sent out the wedding invitations. This isn’t how today is supposed to be. Before the Free Skate in Barcelona, Viktor had thought he had lost Yuuri and it had hurt more than anything. He wishes for that pain now, it would fill the emptiness that has been trying to swallow him.

“Yuuri was my first love…” Viktor continues, forcing the words out. “Only after I met Yuuri, I understood what it means to truly love a person and be loved in return. He gave his love freely and showed it in everything he did and....it was love that made him save me without any regard for his own life.”

Finally Viktor allows his tears to flow. The salty liquid runs down his cheeks and drips on the carefully written notes in front of him, smearing the ink. Viktor doesn’t need the notes, has never needed them to begin with. When he speaks again, his voice shakes but he doesn’t care.

“Today was supposed to be our wedding day. We wanted to spent the rest of our lives together. I was looking forward to being with you every day and calling you ‘husband’. Somehow, you would still blush every time I say it and I would love you a bit more every time that happened.”

Viktor closes his eyes and turns around to the white wooden coffin behind him. Inside, Yuuri is beaded on blue roses, holding a bouquet made up entirely of the same flowers. Viktor steps closer and looks at Yuuri’s pale face framed by raven hair. He open his hands and looks at the silver ring decorated with Sapphires on his palm. He gently takes of Yuuri’s right hand and pushes it on the ring finger where it rests next to the gold ring. He then slips an identical ring on the ring finger of his left hand before answering the silent question that would never be asked today.

“Yes, I do.”

**Author's Note:**

> For some clarification, wearing the wedding ring on the left hand in Russia can symbolize a lost spouse, hence why Viktor places Yuuri's ring on the right hand but his own on the left. Traditionally wedding rings are worn on the right hand.
> 
> I would really appreciate if you let me know your thoughts in the **comments**
> 
> You can also find me on [tumblr](http://chessala.tumblr.com)


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